


Keyboard Smash: The Yellow And Green Edition

by dydrmrnghtthnkr



Series: Keyboard Smash [2]
Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Attempt at Humor, Crack, Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-05
Updated: 2017-08-05
Packaged: 2018-12-11 14:14:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,627
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11716056
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dydrmrnghtthnkr/pseuds/dydrmrnghtthnkr
Summary: Hunk wants to try alien fortune-telling. Pidge does not. Funnily enough, bribing works wonders.*can be read by itself, but will probably make more sense if Keyboard Smash is read first





	Keyboard Smash: The Yellow And Green Edition

The suggestion arises on a mission.

They're trying to save yet another planet from yet another Galra fleet when Hunk casually says (too casually, far too casually abort abort abort) “So remember that fortune-telling thing Lance tried?”  
Pidge stabs someone with her bayard. “Yeah.”  
She hopes this conversation is not going where she thinks it is.  
Hunk dodges a shot, then fires off one of his own, hitting a Galra soldier in the shoulder.  
His voice is still far too casual. “We should try it.”  
Before Pidge can shoot that idea down, Allura tells all the Paladins to get back to their lions.  
The Green Paladin has never been more grateful to have a conversation interrupted.

-

Two days later, she's attacked once more.

There are three knocks on her room door.  
Pidge does not answer. She's been trying to research the anomaly the Castle’s scanners detected yesterday. She has no time for fun (Pidge highly suspects the person who knocked is trying to draw her out for team-bonding: the Altean board game edition) but the person won't stop knocking.  
Pidge growls at the door. She is prepared to inflict harm if necessary.  
Finally, she crosses the room from where she's been sitting in her very comfortable bed, and allows the doors to slide open.  
A cheerful Yellow Paladin greets her, one hand outstretched in a wave while the other hides behind his back.  
Pidge’s anger evaporates despite herself.  
“Hunk!”  
“Pidge!”  
She smiles at him. Then remembers that she is busy and will not be going to team-bonding because it’s dumb and anyways she totally won that last match of that stupid game and you know what it's not her fault Lance is salty.  
Pidge says, “No.”  
Hunk pouts. “Please?”  
Pidge huffs. Dealing with Lance’s kicked-puppy look has rendered her immune to all pleading looks. Well, except for maybe Allura’s, and that's only because Allura has the mice on her side and they simply overwhelm their target with sheer force of numbers.  
Fortunately, since Hunk is not Allura and does not have a small army of adorable mice on his side, Pidge feels perfectly justified in saying, “Definitely not.”  
“You don't even know what I’m about to ask!”  
Pidge narrows her eyes. “If it has anything to do with that stupid board game, no. And tell Lance that I won because I did.”  
“I- what? Woah, I am not getting caught up in that Pidge. Not worth it. Besides, Coran totally won. He's just too mature to fight about it.”  
The Yellow Paladin smiles sweetly as the unsaid unlike you and Lance dangles in the air.  
Hunk allows her to sputter angrily before saying, “Anyways, not the point. The point is I was actually not going to ask you about team bonding, but I do still have a favor to ask.”  
Pidge eyes him cautiously.  
He whistles nonchalantly. Then says, “Remember that question I asked on that mission?”  
Before Pidge can tell him how terrible that would be, he finally reveals the hand that has been hiding behind his back. It holds a bowl of food goo. A note is attached.  
Pidge’s heart stops when she reads it.  
Hunk smiles triumphantly.  
She sighs. “Fine.”  
The Yellow Paladin squeals.  
Pidge curses her love for peanut butter and Hunk’s culinary talent that has apparently somehow managed to create peanut butter food goo.

-

“So you're saying you guys want to try the same type of fortune-telling Lance underwent months ago?”  
Allura sounds very skeptical.  
Hunk nods vigorously. He elbows Pidge in the side until she nods vigorously, too.  
Allura is confused. “Why? From what I heard, it was a very demanding, time-consuming affair.”  
Pidge turns to look at Hunk. She has not asked him this yet and is genuinely curious. “Yeah, why?”  
“Well, everything came true for Lance. I want to see if that was just a fluke. Also it's really super awesomely cool?”  
Pidge stares blankly. But another glance tells her that Allura accepts the explanation so she does her best to smile when Allura turns her gaze on her next.  
“What about you, Pidge?”  
“I'm there for moral support.”  
Allura narrows her eyes.  
Pidge sighs. “Also because Hunk made peanut butter food goo and he won't let me have any until after the fortune-telling experience. I know that I'm supposed to be researching the anomaly but-”  
Allura waves a hand dismissively. “Don't worry about that; Coran confirmed it as a cargo ship from a nearby planet. They're peaceful.”

The Princess surveys the Paladins before her, one incredibly hopeful looking and the other doing her best to look hopeful.  
She softens. They deserve a break, and besides, it would further cement good relations between Team Voltron and planet Iskdjf.

“Alright,” she says, “you guys can go.”  
Hunk grins ear to ear. “Thank you!”  
He sweeps Allura up in a hug.  
Pidge manages a weak “yay.”  
When Hunk puts the Princess down, the two make their excuses to leave. Hunk says he’ll be asking Lance about the experience to see if he can glean any more helpful details; Pidge decides that is probably true.  
Pidge says that she has to analyze some data they acquired from the Galra.  
That is, in fact, completely untrue. There is no unexamined data.  
Really, she just needs to try and figure out where Hunk hid the goo. He might say that she can't have any at all until the fortune-telling is done, but Pidge sees no harm in sneaking just a tiny bit.  
After all, they've already been approved.

-

The Castle lands on Iskdjf.

Shiro has somehow managed to convince Allura to let all of them explore while Hunk and Pidge venture to the House of Doom.  
Keith and Lance have matching smiles as they gaze into each other’s eyes when they hear the news. Pidge overhears words like “date, romantic, babe, love” and wishes she could turn her ears off.  
Honestly, they act so married.  
She supposes this is a consequence of actually being married, but still! It's like they want her to vomit on them.  
Then the two share a gentle kiss.  
Pidge contemplates throwing her bayard at both of their lovestruck heads.

-

It actually takes quite some time to find the correct house.

Lance had been too busy holding Keith’s hand and engaging in blatant public displays of affection to be of much help.  
Pidge and Hunk end up in twenty different stores before Shiro (finally!) takes pity on them and forces Lance (and Keith, by extension) to lead them in the right direction.  
Pidge is very thankful for Shiro.  
Even when the inhabitants of Iskdjf are being friendly and non-threatening, they're still scary.  
Pidge is unsure if this is due to their height or if it's because of the seven hands. Maybe the pupil-less eyes, she muses.

In any case, they are on the fortune-teller’s doorstep when Lance and Keith abandon them.  
Pidge waits for Hunk to knock.  
Hunk is apparently waiting for Pidge to knock, as he does not knock and instead stares at her imploringly.  
She says no before he can get a word out.  
He fails to convince her. No amounts of “buddy” and “pal” will make her knock.  
Pidge doesn't even want to do this! She's just in it for the peanut butter. (Hunk had managed to very skillfully hide the goo, something Pidge is admittedly bitter about.)  
Hunk sighs and knocks.

The door swings open immediately, nailing Hunk in the face.  
An alien that looks much the same as all the others they've encountered so far smiles brightly, all seven of her hands extended in a welcoming gesture.  
“Hello! Have you come to have your akjsdh told?”  
Pidge immediately notices that she has very sharp teeth.  
“Not me,” she says, trying to smile cheerfully herself. “Actually, it's my friend. He's uh...behind your door.”  
The aliens dark eyes widen in horror.  
“I am so sorry! I did not mean to hurt him.”  
She carefully peels the door off of Hunk. There is a vaguely Hunk-shaped impression left in it.  
He dizzily makes his way up. Pidge hears him ask how on earth she managed to say a-k-j-s-d-h under his breath. She fears this will become a running gag.

The alien eyes him. She invites them in for tea.

-

After telling Xzasdajksd (that is apparently her name; Hunk does not even try to say it and neither does Pidge) that they're Paladins of Voltron, her eyes spark in recognition.  
“Ah yes, the Princess informed me you would be coming.”  
Hunk does his best to smile in return. He is missing a tooth, thanks to the door. Pidge hopes there is some sort of Altean technology for teeth regrowing.  
Xzasdajksd’s smile grows, rows of sharp teeth that could probably very easily kill a human glistening. “Shall we begin then?”  
Pidge very much regrets not writing a will. Or at the very least asking Allura if Iskdjf inhabitants enjoy eating humans.

-

“Wait.”  
Xzasdajksd turns to face them. “Yes?”  
Hunk looks very nervous. “So uh, where are we going? Aren't you going to make potions?”  
Xzasdajksd shakes her head. “Each akjsdh-telling session is personalized. That's how we get such accurate results!”  
She turns back around and continues leading them down the hallway.  
Pidge feels vibrations. She hopes it's not an earthquake.  
Huh. Is she allowed to call it an earthquake? Maybe she should substitute earth out for Iskdjf. Or maybe there's a special alien term just for this?  
Pidge’s musings are cut short by a click. Then another click.  
She turns to look at Hunk. His teeth are chattering and he is trembling. He looks very, very scared.  
Not an earthquake then.  
Pidge sighs. That might've been more exciting then this.

-

They are still walking.  
The hallway has not ended. The house did not look nearly large enough to encompass a hallway of this size.  
Pidge wonders if it's an illusion. Or maybe a simulation.  
Probably some sort of alien technology.  
Hunk is still shaking.

-

Still walking.  
Maybe they've just been introduced to the Hallway That Never Ends.  
Unfortunately, the Hallway That Never Ends does not appear to have lighting after a certain point.  
Hunk looks as if he regrets all of his life decisions.

-

Finally, Xzasdajksd comes to a stop. There is still more hallway beyond them.  
She turns and smiles. Her teeth glow in the darkness.  
(Pidge alternates between slightly jealous and extremely terrified. She wants glow in the dark teeth. She also wants to live a long, happy life, and those teeth are reminding her that Xzasdajksd probably sharpens her teeth for the express purpose to killing innocent young Paladins.)  
Xzasdajksd tells them to come closer and look in the room.  
Pidge pushes Hunk in front of her. Just in case.  
He looks. He faints.  
Pidge sidesteps just in time. Then she steps over his body.  
She is looking into a large, dark room. There are hints of light. Pidge is unsure of what made Hunk so scared.  
Xzasdajksd flips the light on.  
Pidge is staring at a pack of...animals? Monsters?  
They all have very large teeth and claws. There are spikes running along their grey backs.  
Xzasdajksd smiles. “Your friend’s first task is to tame the aodjkajd pack! I believe they are our equivalent to your...wolves? Yes, I believe that's what they are.”  
One of the aodjkajd growls.  
Pidge shrieks. Then follows Hunk and promptly passes out.

Xzasdajksd blinks.

-

After Xzasdajksd revives them, Pidge makes sure to stay away from the room.  
Hunk awakes with apparent memory loss, because he asks what they're doing. Then he remembers, and passes out again.  
Pidge sighs.

Finally, they manage to revive Hunk and keep him revived.  
Xzasdajksd explains the task to him.  
Pidge watches as Hunk almost faints again.

-

Pidge is not sure how, but Hunk manages to tame the pack.  
He comes out of the room shaky but victorious.  
Xzasdajksd congratulates him and walks them back down the hallway.  
Hunk whispers to Pidge, “They like cuddles.”  
Pidge fights the urge to roll her eyes.  
She fails. Spectacularly.

-

Somehow, the trek back to Xzasdajksd’s living room takes longer than the trek to the Scary Wolf Room.

Pidge attributes it to alien technology.

-

When they get back to the living room, Xzasdajksd picks up her cup of tea and downs it.  
Then she tells them it's time to head back down that same hallway they just escaped from.  
Pidge does not let out a squawk of outrage because she is a mature, responsible Paladin of Voltron and she will not mess up this alliance.  
It is possibly the most difficult thing she's ever had to do.  
Oh, the things she does to prevent galactic wars.

-

They reach the room of the second task eventually.  
Hunk has started fidgeting nervously again.  
Then the pink alien says it's a culinary task.  
Pidge thinks that Hunk could probably blind entire planets with the grin he now sports.

-

The second task is a piece of cake. Literally.  
The assignment is to make a piece of alien space cake.  
Pidge swears that Hunk actually cackles as he bakes.  
Then Xzasdajksd innocently mentions that the ingredients come from the ashes of the enemies she has decapitated.  
There's a thud as Hunk hits the floor. Out cold. Again.  
Pidge lets out a long suffering sigh. That peanut butter better be worth it.

-

The third task is possibly the most daunting of them all.  
Hunk’s eyes widen to impossible proportions when he hears.  
Pidge herself feels a bit dizzy.  
Xzasdajksd smiles.  
“I- man, Pidge, I don't think I can do it.” Hunk whispers.  
Pidge narrows her eyes. “You can. Just believe in yourself.”  
Pidge is lying.  
Hunk grits his teeth and nods. “Yeah! I can do this!”

The third task is to say “akjsdh” out loud.

-

Hunk does it.  
Pidge doesn't know how he manages it, but he does.  
She fistbumps him gleefully.

-

Xzasdajksd solemnly looks at them.  
“Finally,” she intones, “the time of Akjsdh-telling has come. Lend me your power!”  
She shouts the last bit at the ceiling.

The ceiling falls. It falls right on top of her.  
Hunk and Pidge gaze dumbly at the piece of ceiling that lies on top of Xzasdajksd.

One of her hands twitches from underneath the brick.

-

They head back to the Castle.  
Xzasdajksd will require many days of recovery. Allura says she has asked to be alerted to when Xzasdajksd is alright and able to perform her fortune-telling duties.  
The Castle will return then.  
Allura mentions that she cannot fit her in the healing pod because she's eight feet tall, but she is very confident Xzasdajksd will recover even without it.  
Hunk gapes.  
Pidge pats him on the back and gazes mournfully at the rubble.  
Lance and Keith are irritated that their romantic date has been interrupted but extend their condolences.  
Shiro and Coran shake their heads in sympathy.

-

Hunk sulks for a while.  
Pidge is helpful and upgrades Yellow so the lion has a cloaking function.  
He stops sulking.  
Pidge is helpful and reminds him that he promised her peanut butter food goo. They didn't actually get his fortune told, but hey, she thinks she deserves some for accompanying him on his adventure.  
Hunk pales.  
He cautiously says that the peanut butter was just a ruse to get her to come with him.  
Pidge twitches.

-

Coran helps Hunk into the healing pod.  
Allura and Shiro watch as he wipes his brow and announces, “Done!”  
Pidge glares at the healing pod.  
Shiro very carefully steers her away from it.  
He leads her down the hall where she can't attack her fellow Paladin, but not before he hears Allura nonchalantly remark, “I’d like to try this fortune-telling thing one day.”

Shiro pales.  
Coran pales.

They are doomed.

Pidge cackles.

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! kudos and comments are always nice


End file.
